Some of Dr. Max's Articles
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Men and Women Are Different? Wrong!

By Dr. Max Vogt

 

One thing I want you to totally get out of your mind right now is the idea that at the deep psychological level that there are any absolutes about "what women want" or "what men want."

I tell you, I've seen absolutely every variation on this old saw in the so called "literature" of my field, in the popular literature, in television, movies, magazines, workshops, and I'm totally unconvinced that at the deepest, most fundamental levels that you can make ANY conclusions about "what women want and need" or "what men want and need" in relationships.

Such divisions will do nothing but support your defenses and keep you from ever discovering the depth of a Great Relationship.

Let me put this in front of you right now. Stop making conclusions!

Just stop making conclusions! Your mind is full of nonsense about men and women, relationships, marriage, divorce, gay and straight, sex in general. Just give it up and make yourself like a brand new baby who doesn't know a thing, and then, like a baby, discover all the ways to get the "right" information --that is, the information that comes from the reality of dealing directly and without filters with your loved one.

Without foregone conclusions!

Just stop making conclusions that just because you have lived with someone or been married to them for ten, twenty, thirty, forty or even fifty years, that you know ANYTHING about them.

I can't tell you how many times I've sat in my therapy room with my jaw on the floor from hearing the conclusions that one person has just drawn about their partner and who that person is, when it is abundantly clear, just from what that person just NOW said and expressed that the other person is simply hallucinating and that they aren't talking about their partner AT ALL!

I don't care how long you have been together. The likelihood is that unless you have made a regular, ongoing, open-minded attempt without cease and with real courage and intensity to keep yourself open to the changes and development of the person you are with, you don't know that person at all.

As a matter of fact, let me make that even stronger. I think that in the vast majority of relationships that the longer two people have been together, the less they truly know the other person.

And I'll add this incredible fact to the mix. In the vast majority of relationships, The longer two people have been together, the more stubborn they are about insisting that their hallucinations about their partner are absolute truth.

Imagine this. If you were to launch a rocket ship at the moon, if it didn't have a capable computer that was making constant little corrections, and it were just one tenth of one degree off in its aim, it would end up thousands of miles off target.

To use another, much more common image, think about driving your car on the highway. Imagine that you are on an extremely straight highway (say, I-70 through Kansas). Could you just aim the car and strap a rope to the steering wheel and go take a nap in the back seat? Of course not. Even on an extremely straight road, you have to constantly be making little adjustments, right? (And NO relationships are "straight roads" as you know -- they are just chock full of bumps and swerves and ups and downs!).

And you have to be pretty relaxed to drive well and keep open to those constant adjustments, not resisting them or insisting that you are right when you are going off the road! Yet that's exactly what happens in most relationships. People make up their minds and just strap down their "steering wheel" -- their thoughts, feelings, imagination and ideas about themselves, their partners and marriages -- and seem not to care if they run off the road.

The amazing thing is that the majority of people are totally dedicated to being right far above their desire to have a great relationship.

You have to be ready and willing to be wrong, wrong, wrong. Most people are happy to trash their entire life just to keep their fool heads focused on the position that they are right, right, right.

This kind of stubbornness will destroy relationships. You'll never be ready for a great relationship unless you are ready to be wrong, wrong, wrong!

That is, unless you are ready to have a truly open mind, and recognize that all of the conclusions you have about your partner over the time you've been together could be sheer hallucinations!

Description

You might be imagining who your spouse really is... are you?

Use must include the following:

"Get Your Free Plug 'N' Play Great Marriage Plan": Click Here Great Marriage  www.MarriageBlueprint.com
copyright (c) 2007, Dr.  Max Vogt, all rights reserved. You may use as long as you provide this information


Great Relationships: Set Aside Your Prejudices About Men and Women

 

Great Relationships are a step beyond "good relationships" because the "ordinary myths" about relationships need to be broken to get to that "extraordinary" level of "Greatness." If you are OK with ho-hum relationships, that's fine. Go for it.

But if you want something really powerful and deep, you've got to go beyond the "ordinary."

You've got to set aside your prejudices about men and women and relationships and marriage. You've got to set aside all the media and movie hype and statistics and court cases. You've got to set aside the "Hollywood" vision of marriage and relationship. All that stuff is just garbage that will be in your way!

But first you have to surrender your ideas that there are differences in the core needs of men and women, and that there are differences in the capacity and basic, inborn skill of men and women to be in relationships.

That we think or believe that way is due to cultural stereotyping. I'd like to ask you to put those ideas out of your head. Great Relationships proceed from the concept of total Relationship Equality and that in our true, core being, there is very little difference between individuals in what we all want from relationships. At our true, core self, that part of us that wants love, understanding and connection, it does not matter whether we are man or woman, old or young, nor what color or creed we come from.

In 25 years of working with families and couples I can say that I truly believe and have observed that men and women are basically equal in

--What they need in relationships --their core needs
--Ability to learn and absorb the skills necessary for Great Relationships
--Their ability to think, feel, understand and work with the Secrets of Great Relationships

If you have a problem with this, or think that, for example, women are superior in expression of feelings, or men in the expression of thinking-- or other such stereotypical views, I ask you each to lay down those prejudices right now and take up your marriage together as true and complete equals.

You'll get MUCH farther in your goal to have a Great Relationship and true satisfaction and happiness in life with a partner (and in all other areas of life as well) if you will simply lay aside the useless prejudicial distinctions between men and women, old and young, creeds and colors. If you insist on those kinds of discriminations, you are going to greatly inhibit your ability to get the kind of incredible, dramatic transformation that is required for a Great Relationship.

Why hang on to things which are completely in your way? Come on and join those of us who are eliminating these harmful and wasteful ways of thinking from our thinking and behavior. Men and women are created as complete souls in the eyes of the divine, neither is a superior being, and both are of absolute individual value.

As you will see, this principle of equality is going to challenge you far more than you suspect right now. It is a very large change in our world and is meeting significant resistance from both men and women. But that's temporary, and you can decide whether to sit stubbornly at the station and watch the rest of us ride away, or you can join us.

Please join with your spouse or relationship partner rather than struggling with outmoded and childish notions of difference between you, and start by letting go of your of these old mental attitudes.

Just think of your partner or spouse as a person just like you are, an individual, and not someone "different" from you who "could never understand you." But rather as someone you can completely relate to as an individual who is in the most important ways in life just like you.

If you do, you'll notice an immediate relief and much more freedom to relate to your partner or spouse as a true individual -- and be on your way to the possibility of a Great Relationship!

Description

Setting aside prejudices about men and women help create the possiblity of a great relationship...

Use must include the following:

"Get Your Free Plug 'N' Play Great Marriage Plan": Click Here Great Marriage  www.MarriageBlueprint.com
copyright (c) 2007, Dr.  Max Vogt, all rights reserved. You may use as long as you provide this information

Is Your Marriage in Serious Danger?

 

Many couples need guidance in identifying the specific problems they can tackle in improving their marriages or relationships.

You might feel that "something is wrong" or something hurts or doesn't feel right, but you can't exactly put your finger on it.

It can frequently be helpful to have something like a "danger signs" chart (like used in helping people diagnose cancer or other disorders). This kind of "chart" can help you pinpoint areas of pain or discomfort... and thus help know where to put your focus.

Also, you might wonder whether you should just "ignore it and it will go away..." and could use some help in identifying areas or "danger signs" that are really significant (and shouldn't just "be ignored").

These are not minor complaints! Any single one of them could end up being the source of profound discomfort, even leading to thoughts of divorce!

It's absolutely essential that you pay attention now and not later to these "danger signs." One of the biggest challenges (and most painful and sad experiences) I have had over my many years as a couples therapist is seeing good and wonderful people coming to therapy almost "too late," when they should have shown up years earlier.

Sometimes it literally is too late! Don't let this happen to you. Review this list and see how many you discover apply to you in your marriage. You might be surprised.

Use this Checklist to Find Out (I actually listed 12)

1. Even if you have "only" 3 of these areas, Your marriage definitely is in deep water and you are in serious trouble, headed for disaster, if you don't change things NOW)

2. You actually have started to dread coming home to your partner

3. You cringe when they talk to you because you predict it's always going to turn out painfully

4. There are so few things you can happily talk about by now that they could all fit in a thimble

5. The things you used to find appealing or charming about your spouse you now find irritating or even worse (even disgusting)

6. The things you used to do together that you thought were fun you either don't even do anymore or they really aren't fun anymore -- maybe it even hurts to do those things again

7. You feel your spouse doesn't even really like you anymore, or maybe even hates you

8. You are tempted to cheat, divorce, lie or misbehave in ways that you don't feel proud of and you just feel devastated it's come to this

9. You look at your spouse almost as an opponent or even an enemy when it comes to parenting, sex, finances or other important decisions.

10. You criticize or even humiliate your spouse (or they do to you) in public, with friends or at parties or get-togethers.

11. You develop a cynical, pessimistic attitude about whether anyone has a great marriage or if there is even such a thing or if other people have them; and look around you and see bad marriages (you have a filter against seeing the great ones)

12. You just have an empty dark, hollow feeling inside, not anything in particular, that your marriage is not what you expected in life; you are deep down, disappointed in marriage

What you hoped for, prayed for and dreamed about being married and being with your soulmate seems to have completely died.

How Many Of These Danger Signs Did You Check Off? 3 or more?

If you have discovered you can identify at least three of these "danger signs," your marriage either is or soon will be in serious trouble!

How do I know that? Because these are the things that people try to "blow off" and manage without addressing them... and that end up creating far more serious problems because of their cumulative power.

Remember, a whole mountain is eroded over time by wind and a trickle of water. Deep canyons are formed over the years by a continuous erosion. Your marriage has the same possibility of erosion if you don't address the core issues.

If So, I highly recommend that you get to work on your marriage!

Description

Your marriage might be in real trouble (more than you suspect) if you have even 3 of these 11 danger signs...

About the Author 


Use must include the following:

"Get Your Free Plug 'N' Play Great Marriage Plan": Click Here Great Marriage  www.MarriageBlueprint.com
copyright (c) 2007, Dr.  Max Vogt, all rights reserved. You may use as long as you provide this information

Marriage Advice : "Next Time I Will Choose Better -- and Choose My Soul-Mate!"

 

It's a common enough thought -- I just chose the wrong person for a partner, and if given a chance, I will choose better (I hope) next time. I heard it just yesterday in the checkout stand at Long's. Two women were talking about their former relationships and one spoke of her ex-husband as "the wrong guy," though her words about him were far more ferocious and graphic than this. You'd have thought the guy was Charles Manson. Maybe he was. Hey, I live in California.

What a bind we Americans are in! On the one hand, we each grow up being told and believing that there is some "special person," some person who is "the one for me," another human being who is the perfect match for me. If I can find that person, my life will be right and I can be truly happy.

But get this. We also grow up being told and believing that "only I am ultimately responsible for my own happiness." If I am to be happy, "it's up to me." American heroes tend to be loners, characters portrayed by Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Katherine Hepburn -- who ironically lose their hero status once they do fall in love and "settle down." They become boring.

Youch!

The horns of the dilemma are thus that I must "find that special person" who will make me happy, but I have to remain fervently individualistic in the meantime.

I can't let another person run my life, but I also can't be happy unless "we two are one."

Is it any wonder that many of us tend to approach relationships skeptically, but also idealistically? The marriage rate has not been slowed down by the data on divorces, and divorces have not been slowed down by the marriage rate.

An answer to the dilemma is not simple, but it is achievable. A first step is recognizing that having a partner in life is indeed preferable in life to being alone, for most people.

A second is that normal relationships all include disillusionment, and many other definable steps along the way to real intimacy.

Discovering difference from your partner is normal, feeling betrayed by that difference is normal, your idealism is normal, your skepticism is normal, even feeling abandoned is normal.

Saying stupid things is normal. Having your sex life change over time and feeling unhappy and disappointed over this is normal.

Feeling hopeless and helpless in a relationship is also normal at certain times in everyone's relationship. It is even normal in the course of a relationship (shocking as it may seem to some of us) to wish for your partner to have a nice tidy fatal accident on the way home from work; and normal to feel awful about having such a thought.

Even more important, it is normal to not know how to deal with these problems.

How many classes did you have in your education that told you how to really deal with a profound difference between you and your partner?

How often did your parents sit you down and speak with you about how to work out a disagreement or a disappointment with your partner (if you did have these things, God bless you!).

If you are normal, you have much more training for a job that you might not even care much about than you did for the incredibly demanding life skills of being a partner to someone you love.

This is why a reasonable amount of real dedication to learning about relationships, what works and what doesn't, is as important as anything you can possibly do in life. I recommend that you find a good source of information -- one that fits for you personally -- and put some effort into the relationship you already have rather than dreaming about the one you don't.

Description

The idea of the "one single person out there" who is my "soul-mate"... Is that a healthy or harmful way of thinking about relationships?

About the Author 

"The Fastest, Easiest Way To Turn Your Marriage Into The One You Always Wished You Had...In Ten Days or Less!" Ten Days to a Better Marriage! by Dr. Max.

Use must include the following:

"Get Your Free Plug 'N' Play Great Marriage Plan": Click Here Great Marriage  www.MarriageBlueprint.com
copyright (c) 2007, Dr.  Max Vogt, all rights reserved. You may use as long as you provide this information

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